Otherwise - 10-04-25

[stolenkisses]

I'm possibly in a similar situation Nanna Anna, I'm afraid I haven't been able to keep up with your history.

This home nursing lark is exhausting, constant phone calls to people who don't pick up or respond to messages (have I called the right person?) long periods of waiting in for people who don't arrive when they say they will, mad dashes around the shops when I get a chance, pharmacists who don't stock prescription drugs, encouraging OH to take pills, food, liquids, load after load of washing... Then sinking exhausted into bed.

[dondy]

I'm possibly in a similar situation Nanna Anna, I'm afraid I haven't been able to keep up with your history.

This home nursing lark is exhausting, constant phone calls to people who don't pick up or respond to messages (have I called the right person?) long periods of waiting in for people who don't arrive when they say they will, mad dashes around the shops when I get a chance, pharmacists who don't stock prescription drugs, encouraging OH to take pills, food, liquids, load after load of washing... Then sinking exhausted into bed.

Oh SK thinking of you. It is a full time job, isn’\t it, even when it is for someone you love dearly.

And I agree about the people who do not seem to do the bare minimum which is their job. I know services are all stretched but even so.

[stolenkisses]

Thanks dondy, I never had this with my parents, who each had a very short decline when it came. And I'm a bit old for it now! Still waiting in for the District Nurses - when I called at 9 am they were coming as soon as possible. Then I had a call to say early afternoon. I could have done my shopping etc half a dozen times while I've been waiting. And you can't complain because I dare say they are understaffed and doing their best.

[Dunlurkin NL]

sk, are you able to get help from carers for Mr sk? I would see that as putting on your own oxygen mask. It would also allow you to be a wife and not just a carer.

You have often mentioned that you are not a big person, and helping your OH must be pushing you to your physical limits as much as anything else.

VBW

Dunlurkin

[dondy]

Thanks dondy, I never had this with my parents, who each had a very short decline when it came. And I'm a bit old for it now! Still waiting in for the District Nurses - when I called at 9 am they were coming as soon as possible. Then I had a call to say early afternoon. I could have done my shopping etc half a dozen times while I've been waiting. And you can't complain because I dare say they are understaffed and doing their best.

Sounds very like the District Nurse service here in recent times. They are very understaffed

[stolenkisses]

sk, are you able to get help from carers for Mr sk? I would see that as putting on your own oxygen mask. It would also allow you to be a wife and not just a carer.

You have often mentioned that you are not a big person, and helping your OH must be pushing you to your physical limits as much as anything else.

VBW

Dunlurkin

Yes, we have got a carer package, for personal hygiene and getting out of bed/back to bed. It's an absolute godsend, but again there's a lot of waiting around as it doesn't go like clockwork. Tbf I know the carers work ridiculously long shifts, and their clients can be very difficult. The allocated time slots are not really adequate if anything unexpected arises. When I win the lottery we will have live-in carers!

[Dunlurkin NL]

I am so pleased to hear that. Or at least the first bit. I am sure you are doing your best to ensure that Mr sk is a model client!

Dunlurkin

[stolenkisses]

I am so pleased to hear that. Or at least the first bit. I am sure you are doing your best to ensure that Mr sk is a model client!

Dunlurkin

He is more resigned to it now (he doesn't have much option tbh) but the first visit was traumatic. He really didn't want to be the person that needs this sort of help. This whole experience has brought home to me that I have spent much of my life tiptoeing around men's feelings, if I'm honest. A bit late in life to discover this!

[annakist]

I'm possibly in a similar situation Nanna Anna, I'm afraid I haven't been able to keep up with your history.

This home nursing lark is exhausting, constant phone calls to people who don't pick up or respond to messages (have I called the right person?) long periods of waiting in for people who don't arrive when they say they will, mad dashes around the shops when I get a chance, pharmacists who don't stock prescription drugs, encouraging OH to take pills, food, liquids, load after load of washing... Then sinking exhausted into bed.

You have my heart felt sympathy, SK. I know how this feels. Please try to look after yourself too. Nanna Anna, I'm think of you, too..

[annakist]

sk, are you able to get help from carers for Mr sk? I would see that as putting on your own oxygen mask. It would also allow you to be a wife and not just a carer.

You have often mentioned that you are not a big person, and helping your OH must be pushing you to your physical limits as much as anything else.

VBW

Dunlurkin

DL, do you know how useless the care system is here? They certainly don't make life easier.

[Dunlurkin NL]

I do have some idea, anna. I also have friends who have been able to arrange carers so I know it can work. And, indeed, it is working for sk as she has said.

Dunlurkin

[virtual_jan]

Thanks dondy, I never had this with my parents, who each had a very short decline when it came. And I'm a bit old for it now! Still waiting in for the District Nurses - when I called at 9 am they were coming as soon as possible. Then I had a call to say early afternoon. I could have done my shopping etc half a dozen times while I've been waiting. And you can't complain because I dare say they are understaffed and doing their best.

Thinking of you sk. Have you got a keysafe? It can be helpful so long as the correct people get given the code of course

[dondy]

The trouble with carer visits is as SK says that the timing of the visits can be very unpredictable.

Not great when getting up and going to bed and meals are reliant on them.

Carers are spread too thin - no slack in the timetable for when things go wrong or take longer at one place and there are other visits getting delayed.

Or people getting put to bed really early because they are the first on the list.

[dougie]

Oh dear. Hysterical convo with EE to get HWMBO's phone running again. I kid you not, I explained the problem, that I suspected that The Bank had stopped payments as he was dead so the phone had been cut off, 'Can you put your husband on the phone please.' 'No. He's dead. We cremated him last week'. Embarrassed mumble then transferred to very nice and Efficient 'bereavement' person.

The mounds of paper and junkage...

What happens with a joint account? Are all payments stopped? That must be difficult to negotiate.

[virtual_jan]

Oh dear. Hysterical convo with EE to get HWMBO's phone running again. I kid you not, I explained the problem, that I suspected that The Bank had stopped payments as he was dead so the phone had been cut off, 'Can you put your husband on the phone please.' 'No. He's dead. We cremated him last week'. Embarrassed mumble then transferred to very nice and Efficient 'bereavement' person.

The mounds of paper and junkage...

What happens with a joint account? Are all payments stopped? That must be difficult to negotiate.

Dougie a joint account should just be changed to a sole account on production of the death certificate.

Sympathy re the paperwork. The bureaucracy is at times utterly baffling isn't it. And, in my experience, often in inverse proportion to the amount of money involved. Multiple thousands released by a bank just by uploading the death certificate yet Grant of Probate needed for a £5 premium bond.

[stolenkisses]

Thinking of you sk. Have you got a keysafe? It can be helpful so long as the correct people get given the code of course

Thank you for all the kind thoughts.

I have got a portable key safe but I can't seem to get advice about the best location for it. It feels a bit insecure tbh.

[virtual_jan]

Yes it can be tricky.
We had ours between the bay window and the porch and I stood a tall shrub in a pot in front to conceal it a bit. To be fair, in the seven years we used it, there was never a problem. The worst thing that happened keywise was when the overnight carer from the private agency went off with mum's keys at 7am, and put her own in the keysafe so the breakfast call couldn't get in. I was away and mum was by that point unable to get up. I got a local friend who had keys to run round with them.

[dougie]

Dougie a joint account should just be changed to a sole account on production of the death certificate.

No joint accounts with The Late. The banks are utterly...you decide your own expletive. I have no idea why but today as well as something important (recorded delivery, original copy of the will I think) I received some booklet offering hearing aids, visual aids and all manner of things, er why? My eyes are no worse, in fact brilliant after the cataract ops, nor are my ears, I spend most of my time wearing ear defenders there is so much noise around me. Baffling.

Sympathy re the paperwork. The bureaucracy is at times utterly baffling isn't it. And, in my experience, often in inverse proportion to the amount of money involved. Multiple thousands released by a bank just by uploading the death certificate yet

I don't know when that was, The Banks recognise tough times ahead and there are all those mistresses and yachts to be paid for so are being quite shitty. It certainly is baffling. For some sort of pension thing I have to list the adult children and their children (if any). Why?

Grant of Probate needed for a £5 premium bond.

[virtual_jan]

No joint accounts with The Late. The banks are utterly...you decide your own expletive. I have no idea why but today as well as something important (recorded delivery, original copy of the will I think) I received some booklet offering hearing aids, visual aids and all manner of things, er why? My eyes are no worse, in fact brilliant after the cataract ops, nor are my ears, I spend most of my time wearing ear defenders there is so much noise around me. Baffling.



I don't know when that was, The Banks recognise tough times ahead and there are all those mistresses and yachts to be paid for so are being quite shitty. It certainly is baffling. For some sort of pension thing I have to list the adult children and their children (if any). Why?

Oh bad luck I assumed you were asking because you had a joint account.
The problem is there doesn't seem to be hard and fast rules. Mum's bank were happy to release funds as soon as I had the death certificate but I'm equally aware that other banks are not happy to do that.

Not sure what the pension thing is about unless it's to do with a statement of wish? For example, with my work pension scheme I have my son named to receive the lump sum payment due on my death.

Keep trundling on dougie, it's all we can do

[dougie]

I have got a portable key safe but I can't seem to get advice about the best location for it. It feels a bit insecure tbh.

I'm so sorry sk, I have missed your dilemma, do you need a spare key somewhere? What sort of accommodation do you live in? Flat? House? Ancestral palace. Are you prone to shutting yourself out (I do that all the time)?
Well I would begin with Nice neighbour who is usually at home and not gallivanting around the world all the time.

If I keep shutting myself out as I head to the communal bins (what me be that silly? How dare you suggest it) a notice saying KEY by the door reminds me. I find habit a very useful aid. Nope not going gaga on the key stuff, it's the habit of a lifetime. I have probably locked myself out of everywhere.

[dougie]

This home nursing lark is exhausting, constant phone calls to people who don't pick up or respond to messages (have I called the right person?) long periods of waiting in for people who don't arrive when they say they will, mad dashes around the shops when I get a chance, pharmacists who don't stock prescription drugs, encouraging OH to take pills, food, liquids, load after load of washing... Then sinking exhausted into bed.

It is. It's a great con. Nursing was hard work IME when I was one* and there was a whole back-up team of kitchens, laundry, pharmacy, housekeeping, nursing assistants, porters, cleaners, ward admin, x-ray, pathology and so many I have forgotten.

*anyway there were far too many nurses and all the other cogs in the mighty wheel so we were given our marching orders. It's going awfully well isn't it. If I can help please say. And it's OK to say 'I Can't Do This Any More'.

Have a [hug] sk. It's the pits.

[dougie]

This whole experience has brought home to me that I have spent much of my life tiptoeing around men's feelings, if I'm honest. A bit late in life to discover this!

You aren't the first. Don't beat yourself up about it.

[stolenkisses]

You aren't the first. Don't beat yourself up about it.

Thank you for your kind posts dougie.

The keysafe isn't for me, but for any number of agencies that might need access to Mr sk if he needs help and I'm not there for some reason. Eg he has a thing called Care Line, where he can press a button round his neck if he falls or has an emergency. Same for the daily carers, District Nurses or emergency services.

Replying to virtual jan, Our houses are new build with very little privacy at the front, no hedges or big plants, or a railing to fix the keysafe to. Even round the back we're overlooked by five other gardens. I know there's a pin number but I'm a bit of a security fusspot. I know it's a lot more crucial for those living alone.

We're all different of course. I'm really not a natural carer, but paperwork doesn't bother me in the slightest, I've been a bureaucrat all my working life. It always impresses me how nurses take the gritty realities in their stride.

The District Nurse eventually arrived after 4pm and was very efficient, sorted the mechanical difficulty single handed. Finally I could dash out to the shop, and I left the door unlocked for the carers.

[dondy]

Joint accounts are a lot easier to pass on than individual ones and stuff does not suddenly stop getting paid.

Of course you have to feel ok with having one.

[virtual_jan]

Replying to virtual jan, Our houses are new build with very little privacy at the front, no hedges or big plants, or a railing to fix the keysafe to. Even round the back we're overlooked by five other gardens. I know there's a pin number but I'm a bit of a security fusspot. I know it's a lot more crucial for those living alone.

It's understandable that you're not feeling confident about the key safe. I hope you will be able to find a place to site it that you're comfortable with.

We would have found it impossible to manage without it, though. Four care calls a day, nurses etc plus the careline people had the code too. Life was restricted enough but if I'd had to be there all the time to let people in I would have lost the plot.